Cher Lloyd Heading For #1

4.8.11

Cher Lloyd Heading For #1

I can see the picture now - thousands of HMV's around the country there have been queues... QUEUES... of underage girls, pink undersized jackets, screwed back hair, hoop earrings, ugs and umbilical cord hanging out of their wishing-well fannies. All of whom are smoking (Rizla's... of course), and speaking to each other in gutteral splurges...

But enough of my conquests... ah ha...

No, they are there clutching onto their 'Swagger Jagger' single, a circular disc of absolute garbage from an 'artist' who symbolises all that is pikey about pikeys.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, the mid-week charts show that Cher Lloyd's single is currently topping the top 40 and will only be surpassed if by some divine intervention occurs in the form of The Smiths. Much like a decent N-Dubz single, that is highly unlikely.

So she finally did it. The artist of questionable talent, quivvering lips and STD riddled vagina has got herself her first #1, which to be fair in 2011 means very little as compared with the accolade in, say, 2001. Obviously recording the single from her caravan (you can hear her Dad having a shit in the background, probably on her Mum) she has infused autotune and 1990's Daphne & Celeste-esque lyrical oomph to create a sensational munster of a record that will be all but forgotten in 2012... well... 2011 really.

Hopefully she'll get over her raging case of HIV so that she can witness her imminent al-bum release get to number one thanks to this nation's fine chavtastic population. SWAGGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Twat.

Disabled X Factor singer Cher in Final 12

4.10.10

Disabled X Factor singer Cher in Final 12

I think this nation needs to do this poor girl a favour and vote her out at the first round of public voting.

Don't get me wrong, I give major kudos to Cher for getting to the final 12, she truly is doing a great job at representing the disabled population of the UK. I mean you would think with the stroke face that poor girl has been given she would have been told to leave the studio at the first screech that came from her twisted, rickety lips. Yet instead of being chased out of the building by bouncers spraying Febreeze at her, she has had the further disadvantage of being put in Cheryl Cole's group (where only the ethnics will prosper) but also she's through to the final 12 having to do a live performance each week, no doubt wondering where her nearest medication is.

Please, British public, give this poor girl a break! I don't want to be sitting on my couch, watching Cher giving all her TURN MA SWAG ONNNNN I'M MAKIN' MONEYYYY OHHHHHHH with half a watery eye on where her brain pills are in case she has an aneurysm mid epileptic fit. I mean look at what she's already done to her jeans, look at those rips! Imagine the brute force she must have been able to exert from those needle arms, what would happen if she's chicken-walking through to the audience, starts to spasm and ends up ripping some poor 3 year old's head off whilst warbling Sinatra's 'New York New York' in wigga wigga?! Big Band night does NOT deserve that, nor does the poor 3 year old! It'd be like watching someone with cerebral palsy making love...

Do her a favour. Vote her out. Besides, it'd make Cheryl Cole cry, something which would benefit my mood and benefit her weight loss considering each of her eyelashes weighs two pounds. Coincidentally two pounds is what Cheryl charges for a blow job, it's a funny ol' world, eh?

Pick up 'da' phone, TURN MA SWAGGGG ONNNNN TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR SAY WHAT'S UP YEEEEEAH I'M GETTIN MONEY [mouth twists violently] OHHHHHHHHHHHHH