Cher Lloyd Heading For #1

4.8.11

Cher Lloyd Heading For #1

I can see the picture now - thousands of HMV's around the country there have been queues... QUEUES... of underage girls, pink undersized jackets, screwed back hair, hoop earrings, ugs and umbilical cord hanging out of their wishing-well fannies. All of whom are smoking (Rizla's... of course), and speaking to each other in gutteral splurges...

But enough of my conquests... ah ha...

No, they are there clutching onto their 'Swagger Jagger' single, a circular disc of absolute garbage from an 'artist' who symbolises all that is pikey about pikeys.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, the mid-week charts show that Cher Lloyd's single is currently topping the top 40 and will only be surpassed if by some divine intervention occurs in the form of The Smiths. Much like a decent N-Dubz single, that is highly unlikely.

So she finally did it. The artist of questionable talent, quivvering lips and STD riddled vagina has got herself her first #1, which to be fair in 2011 means very little as compared with the accolade in, say, 2001. Obviously recording the single from her caravan (you can hear her Dad having a shit in the background, probably on her Mum) she has infused autotune and 1990's Daphne & Celeste-esque lyrical oomph to create a sensational munster of a record that will be all but forgotten in 2012... well... 2011 really.

Hopefully she'll get over her raging case of HIV so that she can witness her imminent al-bum release get to number one thanks to this nation's fine chavtastic population. SWAGGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Twat.